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Humour
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Sloshing Through an Ultrasound |
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| I get an uncontrollable urge to use the washroom whenever someone mentions | ||
| 'ultrasound'. | ||
| There are times a person should follow her instinct rather than instructions. | ||
| "Drink eight glasses of water an hour before your appointment," were my | ||
| instructions. Eight glasses seemed an awful lot. One glass of any liquid is | ||
| usually enough for three trips to the washroom. But I always follow | ||
| directions, so eight glasses it was. For good measure I had eight tall glasses. | ||
| Being pregnant is one thing, being pregnant with eight glasses of water in | ||
| you belly is something completely different. I was sure everyone could hear | ||
| my belly slosh when I walked into the waiting room. | ||
| Everything went deceivingly smooth. The wait wasn't too long. Soon I was | ||
| ushered into the examining room. The technician explained the procedure. | ||
| My belly was jellied. We were ready to see my baby. Then the power quit. | ||
| A bubbly nurse entered the room and cheerfully announced there was a | ||
| power failure through the entire neighborhood. Both the nurse and the | ||
| technician were delighted to assure me this had never happened before. | ||
| The room was stifling hot without air conditioning. The gooey mess on my | ||
| belly started dripping down my sides. "It won't be much longer," the nurse | ||
| kept telling me. More than half an hour passed. The same phrase kept | ||
| going through my head--Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. | ||
| Finally the silence was broken as the machinery whirred to life. Sighs of | ||
| relief and the technician started running her special pencil across my belly. | ||
| Then the power went off again. I was ready to leave. | ||
| Fortunately minutes later the power came back on. By now the pressure of | ||
| the pencil brought tears to my eyes. The technician explained what we saw | ||
| on the screen. The first image of my daughter was blurred by one thought-- | ||
| Gotta go real bad. | ||
| Now we fast-forward twenty years. My eyes glaze over as my doctor tells | ||
| me I need an ultrasound. And since it is in the same building she will book | ||
| a mammogram at the same time. However, she assures me, she will book | ||
| the ultrasound first, "because you have to drink eight glasses of water and | ||
| you may get a little uncomfortable". I just smile and nod. | ||
| I am smarter this time; I only drink six glasses. I arrive for my appointment | ||
| on time, only to be told the previous appointment was late and there will be a | ||
| delay. A feeling of déjá vu comes over me when the nurse says they are | ||
| sending me for my mammogram first. | ||
| With a heavy heart and a sloshing belly I enter the full waiting room. Before | ||
| long I feel that familiar pressure building up. And then I face the demon | ||
| machine. | ||
| I don't know which is worse--the excruciating pain of someone trying to make | ||
| pancakes out of my boobs, or the feeling my bladder is going to burst. | ||
| "You'll have to stand still," the technician tells me. I am tempted to pee on | ||
| her floor so she'll stop squishing my boobs. | ||
| After what seems an eternity I am in the ultrasound examining room. | ||
| Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go real bad... keeps going through my head again. | ||
| As the technician gets ready to jelly my belly, I jump off the table. I can't | ||
| wait any longer. The technician gives me a tiny cup and tells me I can relieve | ||
| myself that much. I look at her, then the cup in disbelief. But miracles | ||
| are possible when you are desperate. In no time my exam is finished. | ||
| I just pray I won't need another ultrasound any time soon. I can't imagine | ||
| what else could go wrong. In the meantime, well....I really gotta go! | ||
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Marion de Man |
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***** |
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