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Welcome To The klutz Klub |
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| There is a defining moment in life where you realize you are a Klutz. | ||
| My brothers' defining moment came at age six. With broom stick "wings" | ||
| securely pinned behind his back through the crooks of his arms he flew his pretend | ||
| airplane down the hill, lost altitude and crash-landed face first on the sidewalk. | ||
| He remembers it well. It cost him a front tooth. | ||
| Mine was when I jumped across a stagnant pond, lost my footing and ended up a | ||
| soggy, stinky mess. My mother would beg to differ. In her opinion it was the | ||
| time I fell off the gangplank to our houseboat and she fished me out of the canal. | ||
| I was about three. | ||
| I have always been a Klutz and usually have plenty of bruises to prove it. I trip | ||
| up stairs and slide down them. I trip over lint on the carpet. My cupboard doors | ||
| give me subtle reminders that I've left them open. Will that be one lump or two? | ||
| And why does my microwave stick out so much? My judgment of distance | ||
| is poor. I forever bump my shoulders into the walls. Knives aren't safe around | ||
| me either. My fingers attack them and draw blood. | ||
| I am so Klutzy that I rear-ended someone because my foot slipped off the brake | ||
| pedal at a red light. It was not easy to explain why my head was under the | ||
| dashboard at the time. To most women it is obvious that I was retrieving the | ||
| content of my purse from the floor. Why don't men understand this? | ||
| My daughter Erin is especially Klutzy with food. She drops it. It's a ritual. | ||
| She can't eat it until it has hit the floor. I am not sure whether this is for extra | ||
| flavor or to tenderize it. I've heard some animals have strange habits like that. | ||
| Like the raccoon that washes everything before it eats it or the shark that will | ||
| lodge a piece of prey under a rock ledge until it is nice and putrid. | ||
| Imagine my surprise to find that my husband Ray is even Klutzier than I am. | ||
| That poor man looks at tools and his fingers start to bleed. Horrible thoughts | ||
| went through my mind the day he bought a table saw. | ||
| The other day Ray moved his chair, got his big toe caught under one of the legs | ||
| and then sat down. Ouch, there's another bruise. That chair is a demon. | ||
| Another time Ray leaned forward on the chairs' front legs. The chair slid out | ||
| from under him and hit him over the head. Will that be one lump or two? | ||
| Neither of us walks around in the dark too much. It just isn't safe! Too many | ||
| monsters--monster dressers with sharp corners that bite thighs and chair legs that | ||
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attack our toes. |
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| Our dog Duke fits into our family. Yes, he is a Klutz too! Duke is very smart, | ||
| but when it comes to grace something is lacking. Duke trips over his own feet | ||
| although they are not that big. He has crash-landed several times running into | ||
| the garage with wet feet. He never remembers that concrete floors get very | ||
| slippery. | ||
| He once lost a chunk of fur over his right eye when, in his rush, his feet missed | ||
| the bottom step and he did a face plant into the top step of our deck. That must | ||
| have been some shiner under all that fur. | ||
| And now we have Lady, a girlfriend for Duke. I can't decide if Lady is a Klutz | ||
| or a bully. She doesn't realize her own strength. With her youth and | ||
| exuberance she bounds out of the garage and bowls over anyone that gets in | ||
| her way. And watch her bony head. Both Ray and I have nearly lost teeth | ||
| and glasses when she butts us with affection. | ||
| So this is our happy Klutz Klub family. New members are always welcome. | ||
| We don't charge an initiation fee. Just show us your cuts and bruises! | ||
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Marion de Man |
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